OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM

“Perfectionism is the practice of demanding of oneself or others a higher quality of performance than is required by the situation.” – Hollander

Perfectionism is a plague affecting nearly everyone in today’s society. It seems like performance standards and expectations in every aspect of life are continuing to get higher and higher. Especially with the effects of COVID-19, may people are forced in a place of exhaustion, defeat, and hopelessness due to career-related struggles.

As a therapist working with high achieving populations, I see a lot of people struggling with feeling inadequate, like they should be working harder, or as if they have failed. Unfortunately, perfectionism is extremely common and causes people to feel constantly pressured and stressed out. Curran and Hill discovered that, between 1989 and 2016, socially prescribed perfectionism increased by 33% and self-oriented perfectionism increased by 10%. Socially prescribed perfectionism is essentially the belief that others have high expectations of you, that they strictly evaluate you, and pressure you to be perfect. Self-oriented perfectionism is when you set high expectations and standards for yourself. Let’s take a look at why this is, what the consequences are, and what we can do!

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?

1)       Technology

It is no surprise that technology may play a huge role in the increase of perfectionism. When you scroll through Instagram, what goes through your mind? Are you wishing you were someone else, finding yourself jealous, or feeling bad about yourself? According to the American Psychological Association (ACA), social media causes young adults to compare themselves to their peers, which leads to pressure to be perfect or to perform. Not to mention, social media is full of photoshopped images, filters, and illusions of picture-perfect lives. This can’t be good for our mental health! The ACA goes on to explain how social media pressure can translate into increased negative body image, social isolation, and other mental health difficulties. No wonder we feel bad about ourselves if all we see is unrealistic perfection in everyone else.

2)     Early experiences

Were your caregivers demanding or overly critical? Family dynamics have a huge impact on the development of perfectionism, according to Shafran and Mansell (2000). Similar to criticism, perfectionism can develop if your parents had high expectations or performance standards, even if these messages were given indirectly! When we grow up in this sort of pressured environment, we end up internalizing these messages and placing the expectations on ourselves without even realizing it. This can also be the case if we saw perfectionism modeled by our parents. Monkey see monkey do, right?

SO… WHAT DOES PERFECTIONISM LOOK LIKE?

Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD identified some symptoms to look out for:

-          You are not satisfied with yourself and are a perfectionist in every aspect of your life. You feel pressure to get everything right.

-          Regardless of what you accomplish, it’s never enough. You constantly feel the need to improve, be, or do more.

-          Everything is black or white and there is no middle ground. You don’t feel proud of yourself unless you are at the top.

-          You believe that if you appear perfect on the outside, you will feel satisfied on the inside.

-          Success and happiness come from continued achievements and outside appearance. You crave recognition, praise, and approval from others.

-          If goals don’t go as planned, you have automatically failed. The dread of failure can lead to procrastination and avoidance. You can’t fail if you haven’t done anything, right?

-          You constantly feel guilty for failing, letting yourself down, or letting others down.

-          Results and productivity are the focus; effort and intention are inadequate. You are goal-oriented rather than process-oriented.

-          Everything is a competition.

-          You are not only critical of yourself but of others as well. You judge others who do not appear to be perfect.

-          You believe others only admire and value you for your high level of production and achievement.

AND THE CONSEQUENCES?

Perfectionism can actually lead to more serious, long-lasting effects. Some examples are:

-          Relationship difficulties

-          Depression

-          Anxiety

-          Eating disorders

-          Distorted or negative body image

-          Low self-esteem

-          Suicide and suicide ideation

HOW CAN WE HELP?

You don’t need to suffer! Perfectionism may be all you know, but that doesn’t mean things can’t change. As a therapist, I engage in Cognitive Behavior Therapy with clients to alleviate distress and improve quality of life. One of my favorite techniques is a thought record. Not all of our thoughts are helpful, so thought records help us identify what’s going on in our heads so we can think about them in a more balanced way.

Have you ever felt off about a situation, but didn’t understand why? Our thoughts affect our emotions and behaviors, sometimes as quickly as a few seconds. This means you may not even realize what is going on. The process of writing down and examining our thoughts helps us better understand our inner worlds to create more positive, beneficial experiences.

With perfectionism, another beneficial practice is acceptance and mindfulness. Being mindful allows us to notice negative thoughts and re-frame them into more positive self-talk. Many things happen that are out of our control. For example, you may have lost your job or experienced financial difficulties due to COVID-19. Your perfectionist side may be telling you it’s all your fault, that you aren’t doing enough, or you are failing. However, it’s important to understand what is in your control and what isn’t. You can’t control what’s happening in the world, but you can control what you’re doing about your current situation and how you’re thinking about it. Instead of “I can’t find a job; therefore I must be a failure,” try re-framing this by stating, “I am doing my best; it’s not my fault the job market is competitive. I will keep trying and making connections.”  The first thought will lead to feelings of shame, while the second will help you feel more empowered and grounded. Each thought we have affects the next thought that follows (you probably already know how the spiral goes!), so it is crucial to learn habits of thinking that continue to encourage hope and self-esteem rather than thoughts that lead down a road to hopelessness and feeling like a failure, because you’re not a failure!

Guest blog post written by counselor Grace Ripperger